The Allotment

Remember back in June when I mentioned that I was toying with the idea of getting an allotment? Well now I’ve got one. I’ve even joined the village allotment society. They have an annual vegetable growers show. Bloody hell. Is this the beginning of the end? or the start of The Good Life? I can’t tell yet.

Allotments are having quite a come back it seems, the ones in London had a permanent waiting list of about six years, so I was pleased to find that the one in our village didn't have any waiting list at all. There you see. All you have to do is get away from the madding crowd.

At this stage the whole thing is exciting and terrifying in equal measure. I mean, planning the thing and reading the allotment books from the comfort of the sofa is all very well, but now I have to get my hands dirty and, well, actually grow stuff. My success with growing things in the past was always a bit mixed. It would either do amazingly well, or not even emerge from the ground, leaving me exasperated and yelling "I gave you soil, water and sun. What more do you want?!".

But this time around I've at least had a garden for the past three years, which has given me a bit of practice, and awareness of the basic things I need to do. Prep the soil, get the timing right, keep the seedlings warm and fend off the pests. Now my head is full of words like 'potash', 'mulch', 'bone meal', and 'nematodes'.

I’ve been down to the plot about three times now with Hedgehog in the bike cart, (after dropping Mole at preschool), to size up exactly what I’ve taken on. It’s a big area, so my first thought was, shit, how am I going to manage this piece of land?. But it does come with a shed, leftover from the previous holder, which turned out to be quite an Aladdin’s cave.

While Hedgehog sat in the bike cart playing with my phone and refusing to move (a bit like a teenager), I discovered: a hoe, a broom, some trowels, six watering cans, two boxes of children’s toys, a play tent in the shape of a potting shed, welly boots, shoes, a bike with stabilisers and helmet, two boxes of random pet supplies (mainly dog leads, hamster wheels and bird perches), some sand paper, some blank sticky paper labels, lots of bits of wood, some cat repellent (very handy for our garden where I’ve found a number of cat turds in our plant pots), four tins of wood preserver, a paint brush, a rug, a beach wind break, a bag of fertiliser, a chair, some aphid spray, and a space hopper.

There were also plenty of spiders, great big black hairy ones. Every time I moved something I would wait a few seconds to see what scuttled away. At least I was armed with the broom. This is when Hedgehog got interested. She was mainly interested in the space hopper, but would also stop to point out the spiders to me, just in case I hadn’t noticed. I think unless they start paying shed rent, they need evicting.

I’ve managed to use most of these items on the allotment, with the exception of the pet supplies and the shoes which are sadly not my size. I’ve also made an allotment friend already (I’m hoping the first of many), she’s offered me some comfrey. I accepted politely, making a mental note to read my allotment book and find out what comfrey is. I have a feeling its important for allotments.

The community vibe seems to be strong. You never know, maybe I can grow the biggest pumpkin for next years vegetable contest?. I did win a vegetable show with a pumpkin once (around age 10), it weighed about three stone if I remember rightly, I was pretty proud of it I can tell you. Horse manure was the secret, lots of it.

So here’s my allotment to do list as the Winter sets in:

1. Mend and paint the shed, and put bunting round it, obviously.

2. Put guttering around the shed with water butt.

3. Cover the ground with plastic to make all living things under it die (seems a bit counter-intuitive given that an allotment is meant to be about growing things, but it makes ploughing up the land ready for sowing much easier come Spring).

4. Mark out area for chicken house and run (that’s right, we’re going to have chickens baby).

5. Find out where I can get some local free horse manure, preferably a trailer load of it.

You would think there was enough pooh in my life with Mole and Hedgehog wouldn’t you? but no, apparently I need more.